Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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