i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
