You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
