Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
