i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
