May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
