i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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