a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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