we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
