smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
