I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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