You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
