I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
