I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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