Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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