According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
