Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
