I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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