The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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