hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
