Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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