remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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