Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
