My friends, they love my intelligence
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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