Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
