end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
