There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
