did you get engaged???
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
