I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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