Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
