my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
