if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
