totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
