I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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