Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
