Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
