My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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