I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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