he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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