I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This is classic penis vs brain.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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