i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
