she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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