PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
