I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
