Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?