I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
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he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
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What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?