when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
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I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.