somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it