Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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