It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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