On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
