I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
