I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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