Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
