matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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