If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize